I want you more than these girls want KFC
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
