Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
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