He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
