the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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