I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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