if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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