After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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