it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
