Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
