I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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