wrigley field is MILF paradise
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I want you more than these girls want KFC
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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