If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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