my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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