Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
