I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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