Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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