I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I have tasted many bathrooms
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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