I cannot find my penis.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize