3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
the gays at disneyland are vicious
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
