I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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