she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
