I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
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I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
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We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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