1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
