You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
