fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
