I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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