When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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