I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
