My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
