i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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