Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
