im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
