I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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