My sheets look like a crime scene.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
