So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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