My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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