I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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