Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
