Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
