Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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