Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
