Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
