I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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