ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
