Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
