and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
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I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
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Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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