my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
