So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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