After last night, I could never be a politician.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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