i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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