Redeem this text for a blowjob
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
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If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
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The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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