walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
