you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
