I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
