Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
