I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
