When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
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Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
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Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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