P.S. I can't hear my feet
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
