but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
