She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
